It's Michael Fassbender's birthday!

It's really kind of crazy how famous Mr. Fassy has become. Man, it feels like only yesterday he was playing some random dude in Band of Brothers, and some other random dude in Gunpowder, Treason and Plot. But here he is! And he is practically naked and/or sucking face all the time!

In fact, I have a theory that Fassbender has a specific clause in all the movies he is in, because there are two consistencies in a majority of the films he is in: He must, no matter the circumstances, be naked and/or getting his swerve on. Indeed, while all of us were born naked, Fassy has never come to terms with ever getting dressed. And if he has to be wearing clothes, well then he must dry hump one leading lady--or something. Fassbender admitted as much in a recent interview with W magazine, when he described his first commercial, which bared more than just his acting abilities (zing!).

To prove my point that has already been proven (really, this is just an excuse to relish in my perversity), here are some of Fassbender's recent films, with details on whether he gets butt naked, or just grabs someone's butt. You're welcome.

• Sherlock Holmes and The Case of the Silk Stocking--Gets His Swerve On
• 300--Half Naked
• Angel--Half Naked/Gets His Swerve On
• Hunger--Naked
• Eden Lake--Half Naked/Gets His Swerve On
• Fish Tank--Half Naked/Gets His Swerve On
• Jane Eyre--Gets His Swerve On
• X-Men: First Class--Gets His Swerve On
• A Dangerous Method--Gets His Swerve On
• Shame--Ding-dong! But hold the "ding."
• Haywire--Half Naked/Gets His Swerve On

Happy Birthday Fassy! And to many more ab shots and tongue shots to come!

Polar Bears
Hippos
Elephants
Were-rabbits
Seals
Lions
Unicorns
Wolves
Cheetahs
Bi-Polar Horses
Rabid Chipmunks 
Slow Lorises (adorable, poisoned revenge)
Raccoons
Giant Sloths
Griffins
Kangaroos
Platypuses
Hedgehogs

Notice I didn't list "orangutans." Don't fuck with an orangutan.

The new issue of Defenestration is here! Enjoy it, jerks!






Poetry:
Anna Zoria, "More Human Than Human"
Peter Cole Friedman, "Heyoka"
Joseph Buehler, "The Importance of Being Careful"
Mary Cresswell, "Indexers In Love"
Tina Posner, "Stooges"

Short Stories:
Vanessa Weibler Paris, "A Thankless Job for It's [sic] Worker's [sic]"
Michael Giddings, "A Place Where Kids' Word Is Law"
Rijn Collins, "What to do when Joelene comes calling"
Ryan Currier, "The Pests from Beyond"
Stacey Resnikoff, "'High IQ' is Now Trending on Twitter"
Eric Suhem, "Shoes"
Magda Knight, "Dark Matter"
Adriana Tosun, "Like 911, It's Just a Number"

I just finished the very enjoyable and entertaining Haunted by Tamara Thorne. The novel is set firmly in the haunted house genre, but is somewhat atypical for its host of strong female characters (I am not complaining). One main thread of the novel is that the ghost haunting the house is just as obsessed with sex as she is with death. In fact, the pleasure she derives from murder is exactly the same as to the enjoyment she receives when molesting male tenants when they sleep.

This got me thinking to the many other works of literature that link sex to horror. Novels such as Matheson's Hell House, King's The Shining and Levin's Rosemary's Baby connect sexual desire and horror together, making the act of sex a gruesome perversion.

It's interesting to think about this common theme, when also bringing in stories such as The Turn of the Screw  which is more focused on romantic longing than the need to get laid.

Regardless of if the desire is for sex or a candlelight dinner, it's fascinating that ghost stories and horror novels are so deeply connected to sex. Puritan themes still seem to influence the modern day American writer, however subliminally, linking sex and murder together as two evils. Granted, real life crime often has a sexual component (serial killers such as Ted Bundy, Edmund Kemper and Jeffrey Dahmer killed for the sexual use of their victims). It's intriguing, and if you ask my mother, it's also pretty gross.

I am watching Under Capricorn. Guess which character is Irish.

Amazing Grace, i.e. "The White People's Guide To Why Slavery Was Not Good" is a 2005 film directed by Michael Apted (Coal Miner's Daughter, the Up Series). It's based on the life story of William Wilberforce, a British politician who lead the movement to abolish slavery. Heavy stuff, man.

This film is like a bunch of period piece alums got together at theater camp to perform in the closing performance, and you hated yourself for trying out for Guys & Dolls. Albert Finney, Michael Gambon, Rufus Sewell, Jeremy Swift, Ciaran Hinds, Toby Jones, Benedict Cumberbatch, Romola Garai and Ioan Gruffudd all strap on their historically accurate wigs to star in a film about the unfortunately named William Wilberforce and the anti-slave trade legislation in 1797.

Holy shit, I would love to get a drink with all these guys. In costume.

( Spoilers! )

The Proposition, this Monday's period piece, is amazing. For all the wrong reasons. First of all, have a look at the DVD cover:

If I ever get married, I am going to recreate this very image for my Save-The-Date magnet. This cover is the epitome of class and sensuality. No way does it at all make me think that Theresa Russell just passed gas and she's trying to distract us by arching her back and showing off her glorious flesh shelf.

I also love how the makers tried to market this film as a cowboy-romance, when it is more of a "Wales Romance With A Fog Machine Behind a Shed."

Anyways! The Proposition is about a 19th century widow (Theresa Russell), living in Wales, who decides she must sell her dead husband's cattle in order to feed her children and her workers. But she needs help, which means she has to bang alcoholic douchebag Patrick Bergin.

( "Maybe I'll take the offer, but you won't pay my price." )

Well, that was fast. I went from Cookie Monster to Oscar the Grouch after completing The Shadow Line. However, the show has taught me an important lesson: If someone comes up to you and they are wearing black leather gloves, they are either 1) about to kill you or 2) tell you some terribly sad news while they furrow their brow and look slightly constipated. Then beautiful music plays!

The basic premise of The Shadow Line is this: DI (Detective Inspector) Jonah Gabriel, and his partner, Lia Honey (her name is as terrible as Wikipedia terming her as "fiesty") are enmeshed in solving the murder of mob boss Harvey Wratten. Unfortunately for them, nothing is what it seems. Oh, and Jonah has amnesia as a result of a bullet stuck in his brain. Just your typical day, I guess!

The show is a reminder of the glory days of the 80s miniseries (Edge of Darkness, Harry's Game, and perhaps even the 1983 film Gorky Park), which Hugo Black admitted to in an interview with The Guardian (I don't see why he was so shy about it, the 1980s were awesome: Debbie Gibson, Hammer Pants! Life was good.) Indeed, the BBC is trying to bring back the "serious, intelligent drama," which they already did in 2003 with the very good State of Play . But unlike State of Play, The Shadow Line cannot go the distance: its subterfuge and plot twists grow tiresome. It is like an antique merry-go-round: beautiful too look at, but after a brief time you just want to get off the ride.  And then you vomit in your mother's purse.

However, for all that there are some wonderful positives. Such as the incredible musical score, which is so well-done it can add gravitas to one scene with just a drag on a violin string. Other, natural sounds, like leaves rustling or a boat rocking, lend beautiful tautness to a series that already promises to heighten your stress level. Seriously, these peeps should get a raise. Who should also get a raise: whoever did the film editing and managed the camera work, as The Shadow Line, if anything, proves that not every TV show and film need shaky camera syndrome to get the viewer's heart beat racing.

In fact, what The Shadow Line gets right is its attention to detail and its loving reference to the Great Age of the Stage Play with every actor really digging into his/her DRAMMMMAAAHHHH. Every scene is meticulously set, and the dialogue harkens back to when screenwriters knew what wit was all about.(A favorite line: "If I could window my house with flattery, I wouldn't need the glass.") ( Walk the Line )

I'm only on episode three of the awesomesauce series (mini-series?), The Shadow Line. More soon...

Black Death, directed by Christopher Smith (known for his sly horror movies) and filmed mostly in Germany with a strong British cast, is about exactly what the title says: it’s the story of débutante Milicent Fitzroy and her delicious adventures atop her steed, the vicious thestral Black Death.



Kidding! It’s about the bubonic plague.


( Vague Spoilers )